Writings from the Sacred Book of the Parentateuch

And it came to pass that the Mommy needed to go to the bathroom. So she gave unto her children several of their favorite toys, and she also placed their favorite show on the television before them, so that they would be amused and occupied in her absence. And she quietly withdrew from their presence and sneaked off to lock herself in the Hiding Place, for she had not had a moment's peace all day.

Location: Maternal Sanctuary
Successful Concealment Rate: lights off- 90%; lights on- <5%

And as soon as the Mommy had locked the door, the children looked up and realized that the Mommy was no longer there. "Behold!" the children said. "The Mommy has departed from us!" And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth, for the children had made a sacred vow among themselves to always follow the Mommy wherever she went. 

And in fulfillment of their sacred vow, the children cried out and began to seek after the Mommy, calling her name and pleading with her to return to her people. And lo, the children discovered the secret Hiding Place of the Mommy, and while she was seated upon her throne, the children did bang upon the door, and beg her to return unto them and save them from themselves (and could she please also give them some crackers and juice, for assuredly they were dying of hunger.) 

And when the Mommy ignored the cries of her children in the vain hope that they would go away, some of the children did stick their hands under the door of the Hiding Place and waggle their fingers in order to gain the favorable attention of the Mommy. But the Mommy gave no heed to their gestures of adoration and supplication.

 

But wiggling THIS finger under the door will assuredly get the Mommy's attention...
though not the way you want.

 
*And when the children grew tired of the Mommy ignoring their cries, they said to themselves, "Behold, perhaps the Mommy has fallen asleep or gone on a journey far away! Come, let us go explore and get into all of those things which the Mommy has forbidden, for surely she is not here to stop us!" So the children ceased their entreaties and departed from the entrance to the Hiding Place.
And when the Mommy heard that the wailing of the children had been replaced with Prolonged Silence, she immediately came forth from the Hiding Place, and found that the children had been Investigating and making Mischief in her absence.*

And when the Mommy saw the destruction wrought by the children, she was full of anger and exiled the children to their rooms until supper. And though the children were grieved at their banishment, they rejoiced in their hearts, for they had held true to their sacred vow to follow the Mommy all the hours of the day. And though the Mommy was upset at the mess that needed to be cleaned up, she rejoiced in her heart, for the children were finally out of her way and she had peace at last.


-First SomeAntics 2:23-35

 
 
*- some manuscripts of the text have an alternate version of this section:
"But being undeterred from their sacred vow, the children did raise their voices louder unto the Heavens and began to fight amongst themselves, each striving to be heard over the other, so that the Mommy did finally emerge from the Secret Place and come forth again to her children."



Image credits: thebasicbathroom.com; salon.com;