Apple Favicon

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Parentateuch: In Which the Light Is Taken Away

Note: the term "Parentateuch" (pronounced "pa-RENT-a-took") is a series of humorous stories told from a parent's perspective in a style similar to the King James Bible. The term is a spoof of the Pentateuch (a.k.a. the Torah, the first 5 books of the Bible).

After the time in which the children were fed and changed and put in bed, the Mommy beheld the peace and quiet and saw that it was good. And at the eighth hour, the Mommy rested and watched her astrophysics show. 

Yes, I watch this to relax. Don't judge me.

And when the children saw that the Mommy was no longer there, they said to one another, "Behold, Mommy has left us! Let us turn on the light and make mischief, for surely she will not know!" And they did turn on the light and play, and this went on for some time. 

And thus it came to pass that when the Mommy heard Suspicious Noises coming forth from the room, she came and found the children cavorting. 

A standard ceremony in the Ritual of Nightly Childhood Cavorting.

And so, in fulfillment of the earlier prophecy she had told the children, the Mommy took away the Special Nightlight Which Shined Stars Upon The Ceiling. And she also removed the Lightbulb from the socket above, so the children could no longer turn on the light. And the children cried and begged her to restore the Lightbulb unto the socket above, but the Mommy did not heed their cries. 

"In return for the restoration of the light bulb, I demand a sacrifice:
COMPLETE F*CKING SILENCE for the rest of the night!!!"

And she tucked the children in and said, "I say to you, I had better not hear you playing again, or else I shall return, and --though I know not yet what I will do-- I am sure I shall think of something. And truly I say to you... it shall not be good."
And thus the Mommy departed from them, and went and took a hot bath and read a book in peace and quiet. 

--Maternal Lamentations 4:20

Image credits:;;


  1. But of that day and hour after bedtime knoweth no Child, no, not one Child of the household, but the Mother, only. As it was in the middle of the afternoon, when the Children frolicked while watching Sponge Bob Square Pants without a care, they will not know the Mother has heard them sneaking about in the bedroom until the Mother goes to the breaker box and turns off the circuit-breaker to their room, leaving all in utter darkness. One child shall be jumping on the bed, and freeze mid-leap, tumbling to the floor. One child shall be throwing Legos, but the Legos shall fall from his fingertips. Watch, therefore, Children: for ye know not what hour your Mother doth come.

  2. And what greater love doth the public have than to enjoy a blog about motherhood with an 8-bit masthead? There will be no GAME OVER!